A Special Message From Katie: How I Learned To Love Myself
I wonder if you're anything like me - or, I should say, how I used to be.
There was a time in my life - oh, about 35 years ago, when I didn't really love myself. But I didn't know it.
Actually, I didn't realize there was a distinct and important difference between being loving and loving myself.
I was very loving - to my children, to my husband, and to my pets.
To me, being loving meant taking care of them and making sure that they felt loved. I was so good at anticipating what others needed, that I often knew exactly what Gay needed before he did!
And so it was very puzzling to me that, despite how much giving and caretaking I was doing, I felt that something was missing. I knew that I wasn't happy in the way I wanted to be, but I didn't know why.
I eventually discovered that loving myself was the key to feeling truly fulfilled. If you want to read more about why learning to love yourself is essential to your happiness, go here:
Love Yourself And Change Everything
What To Do When You've Lost Touch With Yourself
Are you're the kind of person who is always thinking about other people to the point of not taking enough care of yourself and maybe you've even forgotten what you really want in life?
Katie had the same issues early on in their marriage - she quickly developed keen radar to anticipate what Gay needed, and she found herself tired and drained much of the time. Then she realized the real root of the problem. It wasn't that Gay wasn't doing enough, and it wasn't that she was doing too much. Instead, there was something else she'd forgotten; and once she paid attention, they both experienced a surge in positive energy.
It turned out that the most powerful way for her to transform her marriage was to take the focus off Gay and simply learn to love herself. When she did, everything changed. And it can happen for you, too:
Getting My Sense Of Worth From The Wrong Places
It took me a while to figure out that I was depending on other people to feel good about myself.
If Gay was happy that I helped him out, then I felt a surge of aliveness inside me. I felt purposeful and giddy. His smile turned on my smile.
But these feelings inevitably faded and were replaced by this gnawing feeling inside. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just felt directionless and unfulfilled. I actually started thinking there was something wrong with me.
Why couldn't I be happy? I had a warm and loving husband, a beautiful home, and work I was passionately pursuing. And yet I couldn't shake an underlying sadness.
What's more, I started to resent Gay for having so much time to write and get his books published.
I could have easily spiraled into a pit of frustration and criticism. I could have blamed him for working too much and not making time for our relationship. But because Gay and I had made a commitment to creating a blame-free relationship, I knew I had to look deeper into this issue.
Namely, I had to do what we ask our clients to do: I had to get curious and ask myself how I might be contributing to these negative feelings inside me.
When I got really curious and honest with myself, I saw that I was holding back my own creativity and contribution to the world. I saw that my resentment about Gay's blooming career was not about Gay at all - I was angry at myself for keeping my creative gifts to myself!
Because I thought that taking care of other people came first, I never took the time to take care of me.
The Unexpected Way To Love Someone Else
While I was stuck in resentment over the amount of time Gay spent honing his craft, ironically I wasn't being my most loving self. Inevitably, my negative feelings would spill out into the relationship.
Perhaps you've noticed this in yourself. You might have a hard time saying "no" when a friend asks you for a favor, and then you grit your teeth as you're doing it. You may be cursing your friend under your breath, but if you look deeper you'll realize you're just angry at yourself for taking on more than you want to.
What's more, if you are overextending yourself and putting others first while neglecting your own needs, you're doing everyone a disservice.
In order to be able to give, you need to start with a full reservoir of love and resources. And you can't do that if you're stretching yourself thin. I thought that by putting my needs aside for Gay, I was truly loving him. Instead, I was just running myself down and keeping my creative gifts from the world.
Then I had a startling realization that changed everything. I realized that the best way to love Gay was to love myself.
Through loving myself - and putting myself first - I became truly happy. I no longer needed to depend on Gay for my feelings of happiness, and he never needed to feel pressure to make me happy. It was a win win.
The Unexpected Way To Be Loved More
As soon as I took my focus off what Gay needed and placed it on myself, magic appeared.
Each of our careers accelerated even more, and our marriage became more harmonious and way more fun.
The sense of satisfaction I received from opening up to the creative gifts within me flowed into our relationship. Because I had filled myself up from the inside - rather than waiting for something outside me to make me happy - my "tank" of love was full to the brim.
In short, I had turned my complaints about Gay into the fuel for loving myself and my creative expression, and this in turn fueled our relationship.
I didn't "need" Gay to make me happy anymore. I was happy from within, and this created the space for Gay to appreciate me even more.
The Key To Feeling Utterly Fulfilled
When Gay and I work with anyone who wants to be happier - whether they're single or in a relationship - we always start in the same place:
We teach them how to love themselves.
If you've been a people pleaser you're whole life, you may balk at the idea of turning the focus on to yourself. But it's absolutely critical if you want to be happy and want to do the best you can for the people you care for.
When you learn to love yourself, magic will happen for you, too.
You'll have more love, more time, and more resources for the people you care about - and they will feel freer to love you and care for you.
You'll discover a sense of purpose and direction, because all the energy you were misdirecting can now be channeled into waking up the gifts you were born to share.
You'll feel stronger and healthier, because you'll no longer feel run down and pulled in a million different directions.
Learning to Love Yourself is, simply put, the best thing you can do for yourself and your loved ones.
In the Learning to Love Yourself Special Bundle, you'll learn, step-by-step, how to achieve true happiness and fulfillment from the inside - instead of through what other people think and do (which never works).
When you've spent so much time focused on other people, you tend to lose touch with what you truly need and want. The Learning to Love Yourself Special Bundle will help you identify your true desires, so that you can unleash the gifts that are waiting to be born inside you.
The Bundle comes with the most up-to-date version of Gay's bestselling book Learning to Love Yourself, along with an in-depth workbook you can complete at your own pace.
Learn to Love Yourself Now
I can't imagine what my life and my marriage would be like had I not learned how to love myself. Learning to Love Myself has made me a better partner and friend - as well as brought me a career I love doing every single day.